I am really irritated right now. I am looking for a place to live in Nelson, but no one will return my calls. I have tried to contact 5 different people to follow up on ads I have found online. Some of these ads were placed no more than a day or two before I called, so I can reasonably assume that the places have not been taken yet. Still waiting to hear about the money, which should happen by tomorrow or the next day. But if I can't find a place to live, that might be the end of the process of moving to Nelson. 

I am also really feeling lonely these days. I miss my ex. Which is stupid because I know it is not her I miss, but what I thought she was that I miss. I have been so tempted to call her or text her in the last few days but I know that if I do, she will either not want to talk to me, or I will find out that nothing has changed and it will lead nowhere. I am just lonely. 

I am starting to wonder if anything I want is ever going to happen. I know that sounds defeatist of me, and I try to stay positive...but I feel like I am doing everything I can to make things happen for me and I am getting nothing but resistance. I really believe that if you are doing something you should be, that if you are following the right path, that things will fall into place easily. It has been my experience that that is true. With all the walls I am running into at this point regarding this move and also with romantic things .. I am seriously starting to doubt if I am doing the right thing...but if this isn't the right thing then I have no idea what is. And that is terrifying. 

The end

So my relationship with my girlfriend is..I don't know what it is. Right now I feel like it is over. She has changed enormously in the last couple of months and the path she is on now does not fit with me.
I am mad about it and upset. She pretty much took everything we were planning...our little sustainable farm, our potential child and all the things we wanted to build together and tossed it out the window in favor of this "spiritual journey" she is on, which I don't understand.
We have not really had much contact with each other in the last week or so and that combined with a number of things prompted me to sit down and have a good talk with her yesterday. I broached the subject of the amount of drugs she has been using lately, which bothers me a great deal because I am concerned for her well being and i honestly do not believe there is any drug in the world you can use with frequency that will not have a negative effect on you. I also brought up that I felt that she was no longer interested in our plans together and how that was making me sad and uncomfortable. She confirmed all my fears by saying she was not interested in it anymore. I love(d) her very, very, very much and am crushed that she does not want to have a life with me anymore. She confirmed it was nothing I did, which is right because nothing has changed for me. It was basically the whole "it's not you , it's me" thing. Bah!

I will say this, however. As mad and confused as I am about it, I am thankful I had her in my life. She helped me realize who I am and what I truly want...I am just sad that I cannot have it with her.

Identity

Why go through the effort of establishing nomenclature for every variation of queer identity if they’re going to be used as tools of division? - Buck Angel

I recently came out as a lesbian after years of identifying as bi. As you can imagine, given my relationship with A, this caused some waves. I realized earlier this year that I have, indeed, really always been a lesbian and have dated men in the past for various reasons but very few of them were truly romantic. I even thought myself a few times that I was with a man for romantic reasons, but looking back on it now, I wasn't really.

My mother asked me when I was 15 if I was a lesbian and , due to the type of household I lived in and my step dads loud homophobia, and to my own unsureness that comes with being 15, I said no. I should have said yes, because I was, even if I didn't really know it fully yet.
 

Anyhow, the interesting part of this story is this. I have a girlfriend, have had her for almost 6 months now and she is moving to Nova Scotia with me in the fall....but so is A. I still live with A, we still share a bed and I still have deep feelings for him, there is no question about that, but... I'm a lesbian. So...this is where the trouble comes because both some of my straight family members and friends and my queer friends just can't understand this. How could I possibly be a lesbian and not have dumped A yet? If I care for a man and have him actively in my life, I cannot call myself a lesbian, I am confused, or lying or...something apparently. But in that article I took that quote from it talks about sexual identity having not to do so much with what is in your pants and how you choose to use those parts but has much more to do with what is in your head and your heart. 

So yes, I am with A in a non-conventional way, but I am a lesbian, there is no question about that. A knows and I think he sort of understands but clearly this is not what he signed up for at the beginning of our relationship, so... if he decides to leave and find someone else I certainly wouldn't fault him for that but I do care about him and want him around so I hope he doesn't. I am just really pissed at the judgment being passed on me for how I have chosen to identify and how it conflicts with some people on their views on how I should conduct my life to be in line with what they think my identity means.

Truth be told I am still trying to figure it all out myself.