Those who can't, blog.

I used to paint a lot ..about 10 years ago. I was never an amazing artist, and there were a lot of people better than me, even in my high school art class. However, I was always told that even though the technique was not there and my sense of symmetry was non-existent, I had talent to paint. I believe that to be true. So I started painting again since moving, after not doing it , at all, for 10 years. It has really helped me to remain calm, because ADHD-wise..things have been getting progressively harder since I moved here and don't have Andrew to keep me in line and at least somewhat calm and focused (that is a whole other thing to write about in some other post) ...so I seem to be having a problem with my painting that I remember having before. I kinda paint something and it looks really good, the brush strokes are fluid, the light is bouncing off it in just the right way and I start to think I am pretty awesome at this game..but then I have to paint more and thats when it all falls apart. It gets muddy, it gets flat and boo..I start to mix my colors fast and wash my brush off in my water jar with a great deal of force and roughness..cause I am mad that I lost that beautiful stroke, that perfect stroke and how am I ever going to get it back? BAH! I am getting mad just writing about it.


quickie pros and cons

So much to say, as I haven't written  in almost a month, but it has been one hell of a month.
I am in Nelson and there is a lot to talk about. I have had a lot of experiences since I have arrived here that I didn't expect, both good and bad. It is too late to write much now but I thought I would just break it down a little in a neat "pros" and "cons" list.

-It has cost me way more to move here than I initially anticipated so now I am a bit worried about money.
-The suite that I rented, sight unseen, was definitely not what I was expecting.
-I miss Andrew and Agent.
-There are spiders here that could give my dog a run for her money and they like to get on my bed.
-There are mice and although I have not seen one in my suite, I am about 98% sure one has died in my walls and my house REEKS all the time.
-I live a lot more uphill than was expecting, so walking home from downtown is killer hard.

-It is beautiful here in the fall, I have never seen so many colors, I love it.
-The lady renting me my suite, who lives upstairs, is intensely nice and we seem to get on well.
-I get to spend a lot of time with my awesome friend ( who has no fancy blog name) and I am really, really enjoying that.
-It feels really great to have so much personal space.
- I have met a few really awesome people so far and look forward to meeting more.

So thats all for now, hopefully I will get back in to doing this with some regularity again soon.


Event Horizon

So it kind of just hit me. I might be moving to Nelson as soon as a week from now. Wow. I am excited and nervous and anxious.It seems like I am standing on the event horizon of a black hole of the unknown. I am excited because I have been waiting for what seems like forever to make it happen, even though it has actually only been a few months ( but for someone with no patience for things, it seems like an eternity), I am excited for all the potential for new adventures and memories and stories. I am also really nervous. I have been living in Edmonton since I was 20 years old and even though I have been anxious to leave for awhile, the possibility of doing so has never seemed so real, so imminent, as it is now. It's not even a possibility anymore, it is a fact. Because I am going ahead of Andrew by almost a year, I am going to be totally alone in living for the first time in ... 6 years, if you count room mates and such that I have lived with. It's a wild and scary exciting thought. I am so happy that my friends (who I don't have special blog names for, so they shall be referred to as "The friends") are there and that they seem excited for my arrival as well. That is going to make it much easier I know. I am going to miss Andrew, just the fact of having someone with you all the time. I know that I am going to enjoy this all and I am confident I can do it but ...it's ok to be a little scared, isn't it?


Home sweet home.

I got a call today that made my week, my month, my year! I was in the running for a 2 bedroom basement suite in Nelson and suffice to say it was a bit of an up and down situation. The landlord (land lady? land person?) had posted the ad and got an overwhelming response, far beyond what she had expected. So, despite the fact that we seemed to get on well on the phone, and after much calling back and forth and exchanging of emails, she decided to rent in to a young couple there. I understood and there was no hard feelings, but I was a little bummed about it. Then about an hour later she called to say the people she was going to rent to had flaked out on her and the suite was back up for the taking. We spoke at length and I was really pleased that she thought to call me first, after all, there are a lot of people looking for places to rent in Nelson. In any case, she asked if I would like to have it and outlined what would need to be done in order for me to secure it for myself. I agreed to the terms and also agreed to move out a month earlier than I had intended to, which is fine really because I can't wait to just get out there. So I spoke to Andrew about the whole thing and with a little twisting and turning of finances, I was able to offer her the deposit she had asked for and now the rental agreement is sitting in my email inbox waited to be printed and signed and sent off back to her.

She sounds just lovely and we seem to share a sense of humour, which I am really pleased about.
I now just need to find a way to get there and... the best bit is, I can take Jezebel with me!

Wish me luck, my non existent readers, and know that if you want something bad enough, the Universe will provide.

Oh and when I got the news, this is the dance I did, just so you know


Money Money Money

I got the money!!!!
We just got the call from the bank this morning, we are approved 100% ..all we need to do is sign the papers and get that fat deposit. Such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders! Now to find a place that is right for me and boom goes the dynamite! Nelson, here I come!!


I am really irritated right now. I am looking for a place to live in Nelson, but no one will return my calls. I have tried to contact 5 different people to follow up on ads I have found online. Some of these ads were placed no more than a day or two before I called, so I can reasonably assume that the places have not been taken yet. Still waiting to hear about the money, which should happen by tomorrow or the next day. But if I can't find a place to live, that might be the end of the process of moving to Nelson. 
I am also really feeling lonely these days. I miss my ex. Which is stupid because I know it is not her I miss, but what I thought she was that I miss. I have been so tempted to call her or text her in the last few days but I know that if I do, she will either not want to talk to me, or I will find out that nothing has changed and it will lead nowhere. I am just lonely. 
I am starting to wonder if anything I want is ever going to happen. I know that sounds defeatist of me, and I try to stay positive...but I feel like I am doing everything I can to make things happen for me and I am getting nothing but resistance. I really believe that if you are doing something you should be, that if you are following the right path, that things will fall into place easily. It has been my experience that that is true. With all the walls I am running into at this point regarding this move and also with romantic things .. I am seriously starting to doubt if I am doing the right thing...but if this isn't the right thing then I have no idea what is. And that is terrifying. 


dude, that is Rawsome!

I have heard of the raw food style of eating a number of times over the years. I have had the pleasure of trying various raw food dishes at different times with raw friends. I always liked it but never thought of ever trying it out myself. I mean honestly, give up cooked foods?! But what about pasta? What about delicious cakes and cookies? What about heavenly veggie stir-frys, not to mention chicken, steak and *gasp* BACON?! What about... well, what about everything? Why would you stop eating all those delicious things? Well, truth is, I am an unwell person. I ache like I imagine a senior citizen does, it hurts to get out of bed, my joints ache and my head aches. I have PCOS which, if you are not familiar with it, is a endocrine disease that causes a plethora of health problems including acne, obesity, intense fatigue, depression and infertility among others. I just don't feel well. I have been wanting desperately to find something to increase my health and wellness and also to change my outlook on life. It is indescribably difficult to be 28 years old and have a body that functions about as well as a ill 60 year old.  So  I was up one night ( thanks insomnia) cruising Youtube and happened to come across the videos of a few different raw foodists. To be honest, I can't even recall what lead me there but there I was. I started watching a few and heard them talk about things like "living foods" and how eating raw ( or being raw, because they really do treat it as a way of being, not just a way of eating) changed thier lives. They said they were ill or sick, they had bad skin, bad digestion and no energy. They stated that after they became raw they were full of energy, full of life, vital. Now, I am not a push over, I am not easily convinced, I was dubious of their claims. Very. However, the more I watched, the more they sort of started to make sense, even if they were not right about what raw food living could do for me, one thing was sure, my method of health was is not working. Period. So what could I lose, honestly?..none of them were telling me I had to buy this that or the other thing ( note: I will provide links below to these videos/blogs, and all of them are indeed selling things, but you don't have to buy them, it is not at all required and they, for the most part, do not try to tell you different) indeed mostly, these people are offering a wealth of information for free.

So it began, I started off with juice. Ok people.. honestly, I have never had juice like this in my life. I bought an inexpensive juicer (Superstore PC brand) and started juicing everything I could get my hands on, combining all sorts of veggies and fruits and spices. Not all of these combinations were good, in fact some of them have been down right repulsive, but the majority of them are delicious like you wouldn't believe. Also, the effects of these juices, which are basically concentrated fruits and veg, are immediate and magnificent. I have dubbed it being "high on the juice". I start every day with a "green juice" (look below for a recipe) and I can say without doubt that it is better than coffee, you get the most wicked, alert buzz...you wouldn't believe it!

I have also been trying various other raw foods including raw nuts and seeds, these I have not quite gotten a handle on yet because one thing that becomes very apparent almost immediately after you begin a predominately raw food way of eating is you digestive system is weak, dude..like..serious. After years of eating mostly processed and refined foods, your tummy has forgotten how to do it's job and when you introduce food that is uncooked and fibrous, and therefore more difficult to break down, your guts are like "WTF?"
That is way I am really digging the juicing at the moment. It takes all the rich vital nutrients, vitamins and minerals out of all that fruit and veg and concentrates it down in to a easy to digest and simple to absorb drink that is so gentle on your tummy yet incredibly filling at the same time.

I have been eating about 50-60% raw for the last week and a half and I cannot tell you how cool it is. I am not sure if it will last forever and I cannot say that I will ever be 100% raw, but that is not a concern for me. I just want to keep trying it out for as long as I can and learning more and more about it. I like that I have found some info on this lifestyle that is not dogmatic at all. There is a lot of dogma in the raw food community about what you should and shouldn't eat, how complicated your recipes have to be and what tools and gadgets you should use, but i don't care about any of that. I just want to see how long I can be RAWsome!! I will be updating this blog as often as it seems fit to do so about how this is all coming along for me and any physical or mental changes I experience. In the mean time, if you want to know more about any of this, please see the links below and here is a great green juice recipe to get you started if you want to try it out yourself, even if you just want to be HIGH ON THE JUICE!!!!

  • 1 bunch spinach leaves
  • 2 celery sticks
  • 1 handful of parsley
  • Half a cucumber
  • 2 green apples
  • 1 slice of ginger (about 1 inch long, less if you don't like ginger)
  • spirulina (optional)
Put all ingredients through juicer and enjoy! If you don't have a juicer, peel the ginger and apples and cut all veg up smaller and remove strings from celery and blend well. Blending with not be as smooth and won't be as easy to digest, but it will still be delicious!

Some awesome vids/blogs: 

 Natasha St. Micheal's awesome vids about all things raw, including raw beauty!
The awesome blog of  Angela Stokes
 Dan McDonald' s amazing videos..If you want some seriously intense energy and inspiration as well as THE BEST juicing recipes ever!!


Clean Freak(ing)

Just finished cleaning up the condo as well as can be done, been working on it all day. I doubt there is any level of cleanliness that would be acceptable enough to grant me sleep tonight. I am preparing to be anxious for at least the next week about this whole thing, until I hear what the verdict is on the HELOC.


um, Can I just know now please.. k thanks.

I am a bit stressed tonight, well.. more accurately I have been stressed for a couple weeks. We are trying to get an equity credit line from our bank to move to BC and the slowness of the whole thing is bothering me. I am a "now" kind of person and patience is not something that comes naturally so waiting to hear from everyone involved is driving me a bit batty. We get our appraisal on Thursday and I hope to hell they don't take the organization or cleanliness of your home into account when deciding the value, lol.

Since we made the decision to do this a couple weeks ago I have been slowly packing up, clearing out and cleaning up this place, its more than just a bit of a disaster at the moment. But it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something at least and moving closer to getting to where I want to be.


What does the future hold?

Just returned from camping for a few days with some of my besties . .. had a great time, even though it rained yesterday and I was soggy and cold all day.
Prior to that I was in Nelson, BC for a week. The 16 hour bus ride there and back was killer.
But aside from that it was AH- MAZING! I was visiting a good friend/ex-gf and we had such a great time. I got to go to the wedding reception of two people I have never met but were gracious enough to have me at their special day. It was easily one of the greatest parties I have ever been to. Even though they don't read this blog, I say many thanks to them for having me there.
Coming back to the city today from camping I realized that I have been at home maybe 2 1/2 weeks total so far this summer. Which is just fine with me. I missed my bed and my beasts but Andrew summed my feelings about coming home today perfectly when he asked if I was feeling glad to be home, but sad that this is my home. That is definitely true!   I could not be any more done with this city, the most of people in it and the lack of anything interesting for me here.Nelson was so beautiful. It is exactly the type of place I could see myself living. The place we were looking to move to in NS is likely very similar. However, Andrew has mentioned a desire to return to school and take pharmacy tech training...and the college by Nelson offers an excellent program ... sooo  hmmmm, what could that mean?


The end

So my relationship with my girlfriend is..I don't know what it is. Right now I feel like it is over. She has changed enormously in the last couple of months and the path she is on now does not fit with me.
I am mad about it and upset. She pretty much took everything we were planning...our little sustainable farm, our potential child and all the things we wanted to build together and tossed it out the window in favor of this "spiritual journey" she is on, which I don't understand.
We have not really had much contact with each other in the last week or so and that combined with a number of things prompted me to sit down and have a good talk with her yesterday. I broached the subject of the amount of drugs she has been using lately, which bothers me a great deal because I am concerned for her well being and i honestly do not believe there is any drug in the world you can use with frequency that will not have a negative effect on you. I also brought up that I felt that she was no longer interested in our plans together and how that was making me sad and uncomfortable. She confirmed all my fears by saying she was not interested in it anymore. I love(d) her very, very, very much and am crushed that she does not want to have a life with me anymore. She confirmed it was nothing I did, which is right because nothing has changed for me. It was basically the whole "it's not you , it's me" thing. Bah!

I will say this, however. As mad and confused as I am about it, I am thankful I had her in my life. She helped me realize who I am and what I truly want...I am just sad that I cannot have it with her.

Reason, Season or Lifetime

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.



Why go through the effort of establishing nomenclature for every variation of queer identity if they’re going to be used as tools of division? - Buck Angel

I recently came out as a lesbian after years of identifying as bi. As you can imagine, given my relationship with A, this caused some waves. I realized earlier this year that I have, indeed, really always been a lesbian and have dated men in the past for various reasons but very few of them were truly romantic. I even thought myself a few times that I was with a man for romantic reasons, but looking back on it now, I wasn't really.

My mother asked me when I was 15 if I was a lesbian and , due to the type of household I lived in and my step dads loud homophobia, and to my own unsureness that comes with being 15, I said no. I should have said yes, because I was, even if I didn't really know it fully yet.

Anyhow, the interesting part of this story is this. I have a girlfriend, have had her for almost 6 months now and she is moving to Nova Scotia with me in the fall....but so is A. I still live with A, we still share a bed and I still have deep feelings for him, there is no question about that, but... I'm a lesbian. So...this is where the trouble comes because both some of my straight family members and friends and my queer friends just can't understand this. How could I possibly be a lesbian and not have dumped A yet? If I care for a man and have him actively in my life, I cannot call myself a lesbian, I am confused, or lying or...something apparently. But in that article I took that quote from it talks about sexual identity having not to do so much with what is in your pants and how you choose to use those parts but has much more to do with what is in your head and your heart. 

So yes, I am with A in a non-conventional way, but I am a lesbian, there is no question about that. A knows and I think he sort of understands but clearly this is not what he signed up for at the beginning of our relationship, so... if he decides to leave and find someone else I certainly wouldn't fault him for that but I do care about him and want him around so I hope he doesn't. I am just really pissed at the judgment being passed on me for how I have chosen to identify and how it conflicts with some people on their views on how I should conduct my life to be in line with what they think my identity means.

Truth be told I am still trying to figure it all out myself.



This food feels like ...

 My extended family ate big when we got together. My grandmother would cook huge meals and seconds were always encouraged, everyone would be happy and laughing and eating and talking. This food felt like happiness.

I remember being very young 5 or 6 and my mother working early shifts at the hospital and my step-father driving her to work at 4 or 5 in the morning. I was obviously too young to stay home so I would go with him and it was his responsibility to feed me breakfast. Usually after we dropped off my mom we would go to the 7-11 and he would buy chocolate milk and I would get "breakfast" which was usually my own chocolate milk and a donut or pastry of some kind. I would be taken home and put in front of the TV to eat my "breakfast" and watch cartoons while he would go and sleep for a few more hours. I remember this feeling like a treat, like he loved me so he would buy me junk foods and candy for breakfast when my mom made me eat cereal or toast. This food felt like love.

 At some point, around age 8 or 9 I think, my step-father decided that I was fat and ate too much and something had to be done about it. I remember conversations when he would tell me that I was fat and that there was no way a 9 year old should wear the same size as her mother. He began restricting food. He would bring food into the house that was "just for him" and it was always the food that any kid would want to eat. Soda, chips, cake, fancy cold cuts and cheese, chocolate milk, etc. Junk food, crap food...but I wanted it, and I wanted it even more because I could not have it. My step-father and I had a bad relationship. He was abusive, to me and to my mother. I hated him, plain as day, I hated him. After he started restricting my food, including portion sizes at dinner and the "off limits" foods, I began sneaking food. I would go into the fridge and steal "his" food. I would cut slivers off his cakes so he couldn't tell I had eaten some, I would ever so carefully open the packages of cold cuts so I would not tear the seals and take some then carefully re-close it so that, at a glance, it looked unopened, I would take small glasses of his juices, sodas or chocolate milks and then refill the containers with water to make up for the lost amounts. I hid food in my bedroom, it started with "his" food, but then became any food, even healthier foods I would steal and hide in my room, only to gorge myself on it later, in the night, when the rest of my family was asleep, being so quiet to not rustle packages or make chewing noises. This food felt like rebellion.

He worked out of town a lot and my mother worked long shifts, so most days I would be responsible for bringing my brother home after school and making us a snack until dinner when my mom got home, and later on in years I was often responsible for dinner too. I was teased a lot in school, because I was fat, because my family was poorer than others and I could not afford the fashionable clothes, mostly just because I was smart and different. This hurt me, I felt unsafe at school, I felt unwelcome there and I longed to get home where I could be alone. As soon as I would get home with my brother I would make us food and we would eat, alone. It was a relief, it was relaxing and it made me feel happy. This food felt like comfort.

After I moved out on my own at 17 I was, of course, responsible for my own food. I could buy whatever I wanted, I could eat it however ever I wanted, as often as I wanted and as much as I wanted. I had never had this before. Growing up in a poor family we could never have brand named foods or expensive treats, and sometimes we hardly had any food at all. Being able to control my own food intake and the kind of food I wanted to was heaven,  it was like nothing I had ever experienced.  So many aspects of my life had always felt so out of control, and now I could control them all, especially my food. This food felt like freedom.

Now, at 28 years old, I don't want food to feel like anything. I just want it to be food. That thing I put in my body for fuel, for nutrition, so that I can live my life. I still want to enjoy foods taste and texture, and I will always enjoy preparing food, especially for others, I just don't want any emotion attached to it. But I don't know how yet.



I knew I could never save it, it was doomed from the start.
I had seen the end of the story and I knew no matter what I did it would die, it would be gone, taken from me.
This did not stop me.

"Love" is a paltry word, meaningless and full of short comings. I spit the word "love" out of my mouth like a distasteful morsel of food, a rotten piece of fruit, it is a dirty word that lacks power and could never encompass this feeling I have...this feeling that is all consuming , down to my core, it makes me ache, physically pains me and I pulsate with it.
This feeling is a thousand tidal waves crashing into me, slamming me on rocks. It is the tearing and ripping and rendering of meat from my heart.
It is all the power of all the emotions in the world stuffed into me until I am engorged and going to explode with it.
I cannot have this feeling , I am filled with a screaming sadness and desire when I realise this cannot be real, is not real, and no matter what I do, it will be taken away from me.
It will be ripped from me like a dream is ripped upon sudden waking, only to linger and tease and taunt and then slowly fade through the day until all that is left is a residue that cannot be clung to.. an oily blackness  staining my hands , too slippery to grasp.
Dissolve slowly and then gone.


A letter to Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

I just wanted to let you know how I felt about you.
I don't like you all that much truth be told, I far prefer your sibling Sleep. However you do always come with interesting gifts to give and things to share.
Its is 3 am and I am sitting here trying to decipher how my plant feels about being re-potted today. I have decided the plant is unsure about it's new home and surroundings, doesn't really care for this new, clean soil and is really just trying to make the best out of it. Because of you , Insomnia, I am treated to the pleasure of watching my dog sleep on the sofa next to me and twitch and growl at dream cats. She is softly barking at them now. Another gift from you, Insomnia, is listening to the sleep talk of my partner in the bedroom, at no other time would I have the chance to hear such gems as  "Piano Lobster!!" or "Why are you eating my shoes?"
I see people that are not there because of you ,Insomnia, and I am convinced that the man in the building across the alley is watching me from his darkened window...and that is a little creepy. Really though Insomnia, I think the thing that irritates me about you is that I never have anything good to do when you come visit, which is pretty often. I would be much happier to see you if I had a large canvas and some paints or something like that, but I don't ... what kind of art do you think you could create with some ketchup and mustard from the fridge? Also, this song never sounds as good as it does in the wee hours of the sleep deprived morning with imaginary people dancing in my peripheral vision and for that I thank you.

Sincerely yours,